To infinity and beyond

Previously I wrote about the changes that I felt were coming. Boy, how oblivious was I to the magnitude of the changes. If you would have told me five months ago were I am now, I would not have believed you. Not that I find it difficult to believe that such big changes can take place, but more to the fact that how these big changes played out in my life.

It started with the possibility to move houses. After 6 years of waiting and 5 years of living in a two bedroom apartment with three children in their teens, this big corner house in a quiet street showed its existence and within two weeks I was the proud renter of it. My three olifantjes now have their own space in which they can retreat.
It was three weeks of hard labor to get this old house in need of TLC to its full potential, but it was worth it. We now have a home that feels harmonious, loving and welcoming.

So that was the first change…

Ever since I participated in a sacred Ayahuasca ceremony in January, I have known who my Pure Self is. Something that has changed my life immensely and it gave me a sense of eagerness to start embodying my Pure Self.
What also happened during that ceremony, and what I did not write about before, is that I became aware of the existence of a black monster inside my head that I could not get rid of at that time. I sometimes felt like I did not reach the full potential of that ceremony and I knew I would visit Mother Ayahuasca again to understand the reason for this dark thing in me.
I was certain it was my ego that manifested as a black monster and that it needed to die. The death of the Ego is a powerful experience that can raise your vibration to heights that you didn’t dare dreaming of, so I knew I had to do this and was eager for it.
Every time the shaman emailed with a new date I was disappointed that the dates were not compatible with my schedule. In hindsight it was all meant to be, but when at last the email came and I was able to be present for the ceremony I started doubting. I subscribed anyway, but was very reluctant to the whole idea of a ceremony: fear kicked in. I figured it would be a very heavy journey and I was not certain that I was up for it. I assumed that my ego was (understandably) scared of dying.

Talking to my One True Love made me understand that I needed to do this, that it is okay to be scared as long as I realized I would be fine and in the end it would be worth it. My dear friend who would also participate in this ceremony was relieved and happy that I decided to join the ceremony and be there with her on her first ceremony.
I was happy that I made a decision to go, but was sad that I did not get to do the ceremony with my twin flame. So I sent an email to the shaman with the request that I knew someone else who would love to join on that day if there were spots available. Unfortunately there were no spots left so he was put on a waiting list.

Two days later I sent a message to the organizer of my first ceremony to ask if she would be there too. Since she knows my twin too, I told her it was a shame that he was not able to be at the ceremony with us. She said that maybe there would be a last minute spot available for him and I said I had thrown it into the Universe that it would make that spot available for him.

The day before the ceremony we got the green lights: my twin was able to join too! I was so thrilled. I would have my twin and one of my dearest friends with me. All the support I needed to die.
And how wrong was I? How very, very wrong…

When we arrived, my friend was already there and we greeted one of the shaman’s helpers that I new from the previous ceremony. We went to the tipi to claim our spots. There were only two beds left, next to each other ánd next to my dear friend. I felt like we were the three musketeers, the only three dressed in white.
After a while it was time to start. Initially the group felt heavy. A lot of negative energy emerged from the people inside the tipi. Even the shaman had difficulty being positive. My twin and I looked at each other with doubt if this was the ceremony that we were waiting for.

As leaving would be no option, we cleared our heads with Father Tobacco and afterwards took our first round of the medicinal tea. This ceremony was (like my first one) broken in three parts: Divine Wisdom, Divine Power and Divine Love.
The Divine Wisdom in the form of Lúcia set in fairly quickly and I was again physically checked on a cellular level with the humming and drumming through my body. It looked different then the previous check. The colors were more bright than before. A lot of pink, orange, yellow and purple with a hint of white, instead of the green, blue, red and black colors. All in more fluent shapes than before. It felt good to be checked.
But then I started to feel nauseous and I knew what this meant: I needed to purge. I was aware that my dearest twin sat next to me observing me while I was giving myself fully to the process. I vomited in the bowl. He put some paper towels next to me and I was grateful for his help but wanted him to follow his own path.

When I finished purging this, the change of vibration took place: it went more dense. I saw the black monster coming through, and I was surprised that I wasn’t scared, I saw its true identity. This black monster was the entity that was attached to me. It pretended to manifest in my head as my ego, but it was actually attached in my womb without me knowing that I was attached to such a dark force. I got fierce and combative and realized that this was why I didn’t want to come to this ceremony today! It was not me or my ego, it was this attachment that did not want to loose its grip on me.
It took a while to fully release its strings, but I finally cleared it. I felt so relieved and light and happy. But most of all so proud that I fixed it. Euphoria took over. The moment I realized that I was free from this dark force, I realized that I would be able to shine my light on this world without negative influences, without conditions.

I turned to my right side and looked at my Twin with love and compassion. I saw his love, and his struggle. I signaled to him that he needed to let go. That I was there for him. He closed his eyes and I sent him my love so he knew that I was there.
While he laid there, I saw that he had an entity attached to his head. I was actually a little mad that the entity got him too, but knew that I was not allowed to help him with that. He needed to do this on his own. And, said Grandmother Ayahuasca, when he does, you will be able to call him by his real name. On which she told me his real name. It went through me like a wave of recognition. It was music in my ears. He would need another ceremony to become his true self without the attechment. After this ceremony I would be allowed to tell him everything.

When he got more relaxed I laid on my back and all of a sudden I saw this entity that had attachments on a lot of people who were in this tipi. The tipi turned into a space ship, I put on my warrior suit and started flying forward to make the entity loosen its grip on the group. I noticed that both my friend and my twin were at my side when we were slaying the dark entities from inside the space ship we were in. I was thrusting forward together with my friend, spreading the light, while my Twin was fighting possible attacks from outside. It was very dark outside the space ship. We needed to shed so much light.

Then it grew denser in the tipi. The energy flow changed and became more negative. I started purging for them. My body became a filter of their negativity and I gave all this negativity back to the Universe. It was physically exhausting and at times I wondered how long this would take. Everybody in the tipi lay still on their mattresses and I was purging the hell out of it. But after this purge it grew lighter in the tent. Tranquility returned.
I pulled myself up and sat up straight, with my legs crossed while the shaman played his instrument. The music felt healing to me and I started to slowly move my upper body with the rhythm of the music, I was dancing while my hands moved and turned elegantly through the air to send the remnants of the negative energy up up up and away. It felt a natural thing to do. Suddenly I heard: “A new shaman has stood up.” I felt so grateful and so happy and free. From today on I could use the name that I had received eons ago.

When the Divine Wisdom tea finally wore off I turned to my friend who said that she was purging for the group and could not begin her own process for which she was here. I realized that I needed to let her walk her own path and not ask her higher self to help me fight the darkness. I said to her that that would come, while I rubbed her back.

I was pretty tired of all the purging and fighting, but it was time for Krishna (Divine Power). The shaman sat in front of me, looked me in the eye and asked me how was I doing. I said that I was tired, because I was purging for the people here in the tent. My Twin and my eternal protector said it was okay to skip if I wanted. But I knew skipping was no option, light needed to be spread. So the shaman asked if I wanted light, normal or extra for a shot. Definitely not Extra… I was pretty tired already, so normal would suffice.

After about ten minutes Krishna came alive. My friend eventually left the tent for her own path to healing. It was best for her to get out of the tent so she was not influenced by the purging of the other people.
And it was a hell of a ride in the tent. A lot of inner child work had to be done for the (mostly men) group. Lets say that in the end I birthed a new group of inner child babies. It was a heavy delivery, but seeing about five men kicking their feet in the air like babies made me satisfied. I felt that I was able to relax for a minute now and lay on my side. My twin looked at me with so much love and compassion and a slight worry of what I was doing for this group. He repeated a few times that I was not obliged to purge and filter for them. That it was okay to choose ‘me’.
The only thing that I thought was: “O honey, I am doing this for everybody. I have finished my process. Grandmother Ayahuasca was now telling me that this was my job for today, being in service of the rest.” And it felt good. I knew I had it in me.

When Krishna slowly subsided, the group became more vibrant and chatty. I was still lying on my back releasing the last waves. My twin lay next to me and looked at me. I was aware that he did that, but I was not able to respond.
My dear friend was still full in her process and was still outside not able to come in, fighting her inner battle.
We were waiting for her to come back in the tipi so we could start our last journey. One of the shamans helpers went outside and finally got her to come in. She looked tired and annoyed and said that she did not want to do this anymore. She looked at me helplessly and said that she wanted no more.

But the shaman was there to give us our last potion: Divine Love.
I ushered her that she definitely wanted this one. This was what she was waiting for. So she took the brave step and swallowed the brew.
After this we would smoke a holy weed, but since my friend was still fighting that inner battle, we waited a little while.

My twin and I got out of the tent and finally were able to be One. We held each other closely and whispered sweet words in each others ears. We sat on the sofa in the sunlight and were telling each other about the journeys that we traveled. It was wonderful to be in the light and love with just the two of us. Our own little bubble. My twin said to me: “Don’t purge during this one for the entire group, please. I want you to be with me.”

We were called in to smoke the holy weed.
I sat down on my mattress and looked at my friend, stuck my arm out to comfort her and to tell her that she needed to let it go. I saw her fight and thus I started to rub her back from downwards up to help her release. And finally she did….
The whole tipi cheered for her. She is getting well.

After her purging, we smoked the weed and we went into meditation and finally I said to my friend that she needed to lie down on her side. I spooned behind her and hugged her so she felt loved and worthly, because she is. Everybody is. And you will know once you let go.

The Divine Love journey was much more different than the previous one. But so much more intense. The feelings that my twin and I have for each other were consolidated even more. We have never felt so intertwined before, which is in essence logical, because I am not attached anymore, I am who I need to be, I am whole, I am one.

I found out what I am, who my friend is, what the path of my twin is and who we are all together. It was enchanting and full of love and light. I am eternally grateful for this journey. I am ready to be who I truly am and have been for eons. So now I can just say: to infinity and beyond…